I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
