That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
