I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
