So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's rum buckets o'clock
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
