My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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