I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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