Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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