I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
