period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
NoShamevember. You game?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
