when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
