i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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