I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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