i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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