Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
