I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
