did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
