My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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