So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
