We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
