i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
