Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
