if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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