just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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