Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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