Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
