Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
