he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just want nice things and good sex
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
