In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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