I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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