I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
