1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
