i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
