Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
