Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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