I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
And then he peed in my hair
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