you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
