Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
