that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
