i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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