i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
