just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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