I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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