I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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