My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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