Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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