who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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