all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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