I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
