They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
