I faked an abortion last night.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
