just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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