Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
