I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
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