just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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