Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
