bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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