great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
