Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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