Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
