I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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